Summarised below by Dean Ellinson, Principal of Ellinson Legal
“Convert” The Controlling Person
Henry Cloud suggests “converting” the controlling person from being a controlling person into being a frustrated person. Just say no. Once you refuse, they are no longer controlling you; they become, instead frustrated.
Henry Cloud acknowledges that he understands that there are some situations where there may be force or things like that. That is not the context of his video or this blog. Henry Cloud says that he is talking more about where there is relational control and psychological control; where power is actually handed over.
What we call “controlling people” are just individuals who attempt to control us. These are merely attempts, and these people only become actual controlling when we give them control; when we hand over our power.
Role of Unmet Needs
For someone to control you, you typically need something from that person. The manipulation or control works because you have an unmet need. The person can employ tactics like guilt, fear, anger, withdrawing love, criticism, or gaslighting. You give in when you need something from the person.
If you need your controlling husband’s approval, then he can control you by withholding or granting it based on your compliance. If you need controlling people to be pleased with you, to like you, or to be happy with you, they can control you because they possess the resource you are seeking.
Fear, Self-Imposed Limits, Freedom
Henry Cloud estimates that in a large majority of cases, what we fear won’t happen.
If you grew up with controlling people, you are wired to expect rejection or anger when you say no. However, you may no longer be in that environment.
Many people discover they have far more freedom than they realised once they understand these are self-imposed limits
The more passive and adaptive someone becomes with a controlling person while fearing abandonment or rejection, the more likely they are to be abandoned and rejected.
Building Your Power Before Confrontation
Before confronting a controlling person, you need to address your own fear and need. Henry Cloud uses the analogy of a terrible job with a terrible boss. The advice is to build your savings first, strengthen your resume, develop new skills or certifications. The more actual power you possess, the less you need that person who controls you.
This same principle applies to co-dependent relationships. You might enable an addict or hurtful person because of a fear of being alone. But when you join a boundaries group, consult a therapist or build friendships, you realise that you have somewhere to go if rejected.
Many adults continue treating controlling people as if they are the entire source of love, approval, connection, and understanding when they are not.
Two Sources of Lost Freedom
Henry Cloud identifies two sources of lost freedom.
First, succumbing to external manipulation and pressure, saying yes while meaning no.
Secondly. giving under internal compulsion, meaning being controlled internally by internal voices saying, for example, you are selfish.
Purposeful Living
The solution, suggested by Henry Cloud, involves “purposeful living” and considering in advance what you can offer.
Remember: your resources are finite so you must budget.
Distinguishing between Requests and Demands
Henry Cloud distinguishes between requests and demands.
You don’t owe anyone whatever they feel they are entitled to.
Choose people you want to give to in ways that help.
Giving in to controlling people because you think that you are being kind does not help but only enables the pattern to continue.
Demanding is control. Entitlement is control.
A humble request from someone with genuine need invites compassionate giving.
Give where it will be used well, not just to ward off someone’s anger.
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